MFP May! Jenny

Oh hello there loves...
I can't tell you how sorry I am that I haven't been more diligent in writing for this blog.

I've been having a lot of fun trying to juggle college, church, marriage and friends lately and to top it off, I've had some very personal and emotional realizations.

I'm going to share...and I will try to be to the point.

As many of you know, that real kicker for starting this lifestyle change was when my husband and I lost our baby in January to a miscarriage. I felt responsible and unprepared for all that came with that tragedy. I wanted to make changes that were in my control and I knew my health was one of them.

Since Courtney and I started this blog, we've had nearly 3 months of amazing challenges that have made us stronger, wiser and more aware. There hasn't been any mind blowing weight loss, but I think we've both seen how much happier and stronger these changes have made us.

As most of you know, Courtney and I are very connected to our faith, so with this change has come much prayer and faith. We've wanted to include God in our journey, since He is the creator of our bodies and the one who gifted them to us. I also added my prayers in regards to starting a family and when my husband and I should do that. We wanted to be ready and we wanted to know that God felt we were ready. I know my husband has prayed twice as hard about this and has just as much excitement and hopefulness as I do when it comes to starting a family.

If you've ever received a "no" answer to your prayers, you know that frustration that we've been experiencing the last few months. Someone wise once told me that God never says "no," but that it's always "not now" or "I have something better in mind." For us, we know that the silence isn't a bad thing, it's a patience thing.

OK, so here's the honest truth: I've wet my pillow night after night wondering why I'm not losing weight or why something so righteous wouldn't be given to me when I'm working so hard for it.
I've tried hard not to get frustrated or sad when I pray and I certainly don't want to be frustrated with God, who I know is loving and all knowing.

Then Mother's Day happened, and a strong of events before and after Mother's Day left me feeling a second wave of depression over the miscarriage.

I struggled with depression the worst after my Father died, and then again after we lost Indie. I thought working out and focusing on my goals had really helped to regulate me again, but when this recent depression hit, it was below the belt.

It's been very hard and very confusing and I still don't have a lot of answers that I wish I did, but there is one HUGE insight that I got lately.

I have chronic depression. I meet with a new therapist sometime next week to start a new treatment plan.

That's so hard to admit, since most of my life I'd classify myself as optimistic and happy. But that is still true. My nature, my spirit is happy and I'm very aware of my blessings and how much I have to live for. The problem is that I often lose control over my own emotions and tend to become disabled by my own sadness. It gives me insomnia, it makes me feel achey, tired and unmotivated and that just isn't me. So I'm coming to terms with it slowly and trying to rely on God to give me the humility and strength to get through this rough patch.

The beautiful part of this whole thing is that I started out thinking that I was fat and that I needed to gain some physical health in order to have children, when in reality I needed mental and emotional health.

I'm grateful for a loving God who saw my efforts, knows my heart and gave me the answer, even though it's hard to swallow.

I don't want to be a sad mommy, or pass on any of my depression to my children (which CAN happen), so I'm going to do all I can to deal with this and make myself the best future Mother I can be.

There is a lot to look forward to. I'm still optimistic about it all, and I know that I am so very blessed!

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Now onto the logistics of this challenge:

This lovely chart is an honest representation of this last month for me. Some days are a little off, since I didn't finish the entry, and a few days are obviously unaccounted for, but for the most part, I stayed near my goal and I feel good about that.

I have NO CLUE why 5/3 is so high, but can't take it back now. I try really hard not to be too hard on myself about this stuff, I hope you are all trying that too. It does no good to beat yourself up endlessly about something you already did. Just change it.

When I was first dating Ed, he gave me some advice about life that I've always loved, "If you don't like it, change it." Simple. Powerful. True. It's applied in a lot of areas in my life, but especially in terms of our bodies!

Anyhow, I'm not sure what else to say about this challenge. I was doing so much better with MFP back in March and April, but that doesn't matter now ;)

Gotta keep going and keep tracking. It's a powerful tool!

I love you all. Never quit trying. My loving husband encourages me by telling me he's glad I haven't quit even when it's been hard.

I wish you all happiness and health!

xo Jenny